Can I Have Some CONSTRUCTIVE Criticism?

Question by FluffehChicken98: Can I have some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism?
I’m writing a short biography as a special assignment. I was wondering what I could do to improve it. It’s a biography on Brandon Novak, a pro- skateboarder, amongst other things. Here it is.
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Life and Times of Brandon Novak

Brandon Novak is a pro- skateboarder, stuntman, actor, ad author. He was born 32 years ago on December 10, 1979, in Baltimore, Maryland.

At the age of 14, his talent for skateboarding was discovered by Tony Hawk. Hawk offered Novak a contract, which I’m sure is any amateur skateboarder’s dream. Novak’s fame was quickly gained, but at the age of 17, some bad decisions cost him.

He acquired an addiction to heroin. But, in 2003, aged 23, Novak overcame it. To help himself remember this “feat of strength”, he got a very blunt proclamation tattooed on his torso. It read “No more f’ing heroin.”. 2 years after this, 25-year-old Brandon became a father. During this time, he developed an addiction to prescription pills, cocaine, and alcohol on and off until November of last year.

While in the hospital after breaking several bones filming some stunts for “Jackass 3D”, he was arrested on a warrant. The warrant was for forging a Xanax prescription.

In November, 2010, Novak was sentenced to 11-26 months in jail. Being released this month, he has been jailed for 13 months. He’ll be on house arrest for 6 more months. But, living at Castle Bam (obviously with friend, Bam Margera), in West Chester, Pennsylvania, can’t be that bad though.
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Thank you for reading. Please give feedback.
o-o
Please do not waste your time recommending a change in topic. It has been decided, and so it shall stay. Once again, thank you.

Best answer:

Answer by FatherRearlove
You’re writing a biography about a drug-addict that’s lived only 32 years. Find a better subject.

Answer by Someone Awesome
Well, for one, it’s very short. Nothing else was mentioned about his skateboarding abilities after the contract. There’s no information on his family – parents, siblings, wife? – or anything significant except for his criminal record. It’s less of a biography than an overview of how he screwed up his life.

Also, explicit subjectivity should be avoided:

“Hawk offered Novak a contract, which I’m sure is any amateur skateboarder’s dream.”
Too subjective, and the generalisation doesn’t fit in here. This is about Novak – you should include how HE felt about it, not what you think a random amateur skateboarder dreams about.

“But, living at Castle Bam (obviously with friend, Bam Margera), in West Chester, Pennsylvania, can’t be that bad though.”
Your opinion on this does not matter. How do you know what life would be like for Novak, stuck in a house for six months? Again, you should include HIS view rather than your own. Also, get rid of ‘obviously’. I know nothing about Novak or where his friends live. It’s not obvious to me, and it’s therefore an inappropriate adverb.

Do more research both on how biographies work, and on this Novak person. You seem to have very limited information. If you want to include an opinion, back it up with data – for example, “Bam and Novak are best friends since childhood, therefore his house arrest could have been worse.”

Hope you’re not offended by my criticisms – don’t mean to sound harsh or anything.

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